Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
