Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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