apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
