dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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