Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
