so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
