Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
