You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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