there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
