did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
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bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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