It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
