Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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