He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
