i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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