How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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