why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
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On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
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It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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