don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
