My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
