I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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