I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
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I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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