The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
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They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
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I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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