you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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