Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
