I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
