I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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