he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
