I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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