I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
COCAINE IS GR8
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
