$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
