her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
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You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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