last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
