No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
