either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
