Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
