Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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