I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
