I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
PANTIES FOUND
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