Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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