I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Randomize
