the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
BRING THE BAGELS
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
