Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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