One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
