Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
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