I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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