Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
