I want to have your abortion
there was a trapeze. enough said
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
