I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong