And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
