watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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