Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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