im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
