im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
