She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
