got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
