I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
