just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
