Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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