I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
