This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
whose ass print is on the piano?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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