she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
