Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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