oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
